It’s OK to not be ok…

It’s ok to not be ok…

Every year around this time, I say I’m fine, but it is strikingly apparent that I’m not done grieving the loss of my father.

I could give you another eloquent motivational quote or funny story or I could keep it real. And maybe share something that you’re feeling too.

I lost my father on Christmas Day 2013. I remember opening presents with my girls and seeing I had a missed call from my Mom. And I just knew. I knew that my Dad wasn’t going to make it through the day. The table was set for a Christmas dinner and those dishes sat there for 3 weeks. And so every year I get paralyzed with decorations, yet I think I’m fine.

We spent the day in the ER after he suffered his second stroke. We decided to give him a TPA, a clot-busting drug, but he was one of the rare cases that it didn’t work for. In fact, it caused brain hemorrhaging and he never woke up. I’ve never shared these pieces except in a blog because it’s too painful. But I feel like we all gloss over the painful details…rather than bringing them to light.

But you see, I didn’t grieve my Dad then. I just buried myself in busyness. Being a parent, teacher, new coach, and with that comes isolation. We don’t feel understood or like we are same person. So we feel like we are simply living in a shell.

But after several other tough things happened, I knew that I had a choice to make. To live broken…or begin healing.

So I decided to go to therapy, dive into my faith, and work on my wellness. It wasn’t a magic formula either. And each one was a different puzzle piece for me. And I am certainly still a work in progress.

But the one thing I’ve tried not to be is silent and this is why I’m sharing today. To bring pain into the light and hopefully help someone else.

I found myself yesterday and today retreating. 
Sounds strange for someone who coaches other for a living. But it’s an art for many of us. Help others, become a machine with routine, but put our own healing last. I’ve found that by flipping this and taking ownership of my own wellness, I have been able to snap out of things easier. We all still have our tough days, but it’s my hope that those days become fewer.

And I will continue to share my story because I believe someone else needs this too. I don’t have a profound ending to this story…simply that I am focusing on creating new JOY this Christmas while also acknowledging that it’s ok to not be ok too. 💜

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